My Body. My Power. My Story.
Mending Mind, Body and Spirit, while Bending societal expectations.
I love my body From stretch marks to flabby rolls. Wont hide the real me. -
A Haiku I wrote in honour of my 140lbs weight loss. Here is my story.
I am 36-years-old and in my time here on earth so far, my body has shown what early developmental abuse/trauma does to a human, everything from eating habits to bodyweight. And the potential healing plant medicines can bring.
As a child, I wasn’t fat but more plum, by middle school I was considered chubby. In high school I was solidly fat, but by university I started as tremendously overweight but graduated to my heaviest classification, morbidly obese. My heaviest weight was 270lbs and being 5'9 my BMI was pushing 40 and my doctor warned me I was pre-diabetic at the rate I was going.
That was nearly 10 years ago.
Since hitting morbid obesity territory, I managed to crawl n mentally claw myself down pass Miss Thickums. Marvelled at Miss Slim Thick. Saw Miss Skin n Bones and understood what the term meant (shivers) when I got down to my lowest weight, 128lbs
To now being fit and toned 130s. .
Did I mention I did this all without putting myself through restrictive diets, unfathomable exercise routines and most definitely no daily Ozempic jabs. No shade but the Ozempic hype as a revolutionary weight loss drug is the manifestation of War on Drugs gone horribly wrong. The consequences of these drugs for weight loss purposes have caught folks by surprise, yes you can lose several pounds with little effort, but at what cost to your long term health? I am not one to knock down drugs, instead one to liberate certain few from the propaganda induced War on Plant Medicine. Instead of Ozempic, I found my magical drugs in nature, two classifications of nature’s drug tremendously helped me lose weight and keep it off. First, cannabis helped me lose 100 pounds. While Psychedelics helped me lose 70 pounds further.
The Mind - Body Connection
To understand how I went from being 270 to down to 130 and keeping it off for years, I must start with how I got this big. As I mentioned earlier, my body shows what childhood trauma does to not only the mind but the physical manifestation through weight. I wasn’t always a big child but the core memory that played a key role was 4-year-old me seeing my mother strangle my 6-year-old sister, lifting her by the throat, then she would stop (i.e. her arms be hurting). I still remember her tiny dangling feet being eye levels with me.
My mother would soon try her signature move on me, what I called the Homer Strangler but something remarkable happened, I was too heavy to lift. Instead, the pressure of tightening airway, and the awkward eye contact with audible huffs as she tried puff her arms ups to no avail. My mother would never attempt to Bart Simpson me. Nor would she apologize for her actions (and never will). This would never stop her from finding other ways to inflict pain, whether it was telephone wires or wooden spoons. With this realization my mother couldn’t strangle my plum six-year-old self, I realized that being big was a safety against her violent outbursts.
This was the seed that bloomed into an out control eating habit, sugar, and carbs, the stable of low-income families, helped soothe but also massively contributed to the foundation of my poor eating habits to survive a wickedly abusive in all aspect of a mother. By the time I was becoming 18, having spent the last 12 years being physically, mentally, emotionally abused, my weight reflected just that and it kept creeping up until age 25 being nearly 270.
Attempt 1: sober delusions (2012-2014).
I tried all my life to lose weight. I grew up in the 90s and entered my teens mid 00s, let me remind you society was not kind for bigger girls and women at that time. THIN IS IN haunted me in grocery stores and followed me in convenience stores too. My earliest memories of wanting to lose weight was for grade 8 graduation however wasn’t until few years later I physically tried. By 16 years old I had bit more freedom to play outside in the form working out via walks/runs. Without the proper motivation (sisterly incentives) guidance (motherly advice to use slim fast) and love of my weight loss journey, I would fall into self-sabotage. To celebrate workouts, I would get myself a donut, a hard-earned treat to working out for an hour. This sort of self-sabotage will be common occurrence when I tried losing weight sober, without any drugs not even slim fast (yuck), where I would lose 20 pounds only to gain 40 pounds back.
This was in 2012 and though I was happy I lost 20 pounds the momentum didn’t last given I was still spiraling in abusive environment, hitting my heaviest two years later 270lbs. Funny enough I documented my 1st attempt on Tumblr, capturing my struggles but also highlighting undiagnosed CPTSD. The struggles of 23-year-old trying to work out on her own with no support, I managed but progress without support or love in an environment that was the root cause didn’t last.
Looking back at attempt 1, my mental health was suffering because I was still living at home in the same abusive environment but also haven’t tried cannabis. Attempts 2 and 3 were vastly different than attempt 1 because of two key factors: 1. Drugs. 2. change in environment.
Attempt 2: High Success – taste of freedom (2015-2019)
My second attempt at weight loss was in 2015, by this time I was hitting my heaviest of 270 pounds, my mother’s nags were hitting all time high, this was also the year she last physically hit me, striking me down with broomstick because I dared told her at age 26 that it isn’t my turn to clean the bathroom. This was the type of shit that’s been going so long, that when I refused and she still physically abusive, I left. For the very first time in my life, I ran outside away from her abusive rage and into the safety darkness in the street. I still remember that incident, the precursor to me moving out, and finally changing environments. No wonder my attempt 1 didn’t last due to incidents like this, being forced to cook n clean and if I refused, I would be beaten, even well into my 20s.
By this time, I had already started smoking cannabis and I am not ashamed to say at there was also some weight gain from the munchies. Everything tasted so good. Like McDonalds, a simple bologna sandwich, chocolate bars, all those were what I would binge on for my munchies that had no pit to it. I don’t want to give folks the impression that cannabis helped me lose weight without mentioning how this is a double edge sword, that cannabis also contributed to my weight gain via munchies. There’s a reason why scientists are looking into cannabis helps increase appetites of eating disorders like anorexia. So be smart with the munchies!
But what was remarkable about cannabis that I knew I had been lied to, society in 2015 hadn't legalized cannabis, it would be another 4 years before so, but it was the religious lie. Muslims have this view that cannabis is equivalent to alcohol, that anything that intoxicants the mind is haram. That’s what I was told but what I discovered was the truth, cannabis is medicine and for me it was the ability to fall asleep (I was insomnia due to abuse) but the greatest relief was keeping my mind calm. This is how I started to incorporate more cannabis into my life, a sleep aid for my insomnia, and the quiet mind was also helping me enjoy working out. Every big person knows and understands what it’s like working out in the gym, the constant negative inner voice telling you everyone is looking at you, how big you are and how pathetic one must look (Hello CPTSD my inner friend). This is why I hated working out cause of these constant inner critic. But smoking before gym, these thoughts weren’t there, instead was joyful smile focused, I mean who smiles at the gym lol but cannabis was this for me.
So that’s how attempt 2 went, having moved away from my toxic mother and her enablers, I was for the very first time experiencing the freedom to buy my own groceries, smoke inside my apartment and go out when I felt like it. One thing I am a firm believer in, is you know yourself and what works for you and this is a key thing with weight loss. Not the abusive shit I grew up watching on the Biggest Losers, which I liked seeing folks before and after but hated their form of exercise. Finding out what works for you, and in my case, it was group fitness and not being yelled at.
Within 6 months, I would go on to lose 50 pounds, and the only thing that changed was my environment and incorporating cannabis into my workout routine. A sativa-based strain before my 2hours in gym, then as a reward an indica based strain to rest for the evening and get a good night’s rest. As for my eating habit then, I had learned from my newbie stoner days by respecting the plant which to me was being intentional with my joints. Making sure to smoke around meals helped me conquer the munchies and switching for healthier snacks to munch on (cucumbers and hummus, apples, oranges). A vast improvement from attempt 1.
The Call to heal: Psychedelic Precursor
The next 3 years I would go on to keep the success of my weight loss, having reached my highest at 270lbs to lowest at 168 in 2018. Despite this massive success, I still was dealing with imposter syndrome, unable to enjoy the success of losing 100 pounds. There was still a part of me that felt deeply disconnected from myself, I soon realized the extent of my childhood trauma. In 2019, just before the pandemic, I would be officially diagnosed with Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), I say officially because I literally Googled what happens to a child with an abusive mother and the results were devastatingly accurate.
Tales of paint brushes painted the picture of a child subjected to terrifying abusive, neglectful mother, will certainty have mental health struggles, the consequences reverberating beyond space and time. The first or repeated traumas on developing brain touches all aspects of life, relationships of all kinds, friends, lovers, to the type of job, no stone or corner untouched as the brain is being wired with trauma. Anxiety is painted when your heart starts beating hella fast, brain signals perceived potential threat when all you had to do was introduce yourself. That inner monologue that tells you are unworthy loser, fat slob, no one loves you was just wired by your environment. Tales of lost innocence turned against you. All those anxiety attacks when I was 18 made sense ten years later. I was right in the smack of it condemned to suffer for life, all because my mother beat the living shit out of me as a child.
My twenties were not fine, but this diagnosis made me committed to heal so I can thrive in my 30s. Hell 100 pound weight loss did little to heal my inner child, for she realized being big was safety and losing this amount of weight, the amount of scary attention was triggering to an inner child who knew invisibility was a necessity (getting chased by drunks mesmerized by my looks was triggering).
With having the official diagnosis and confirmation that I knew all along, I was damaged by abuse and my inner dialogue was reflection of that and my outer world manifested anxiety/panic attacks as a result. I crept back into 200s for the very first time and this time I couldn’t use my mother as an excuse, having lived on my own for 3 years but what was different was I needed to face the past. I needed to release all the trauma bonds that were built, everyone from toxic relatives, friends and situationships through simple boundaries.
In 2020 psychedelics entered my life in the most synchronistic way, that it would eventually take me into my final weight loss, attempt 3 having gained back 30 pounds bring back over to the two hundreds (203lbs to be exact).
Attempt 3: Mending the Mind, Body & Spirit(2020-Present).
I still remember my first psychedelic mushroom trip, January 2020, that would change my life for the better and convince me of their healing potentials and not just some party drug but one that needs tremendous respect. I initially was going to take 1g edible with a work colleague, a night out the movies instead I decided to test it on myself 1st before going out in public. After all I was an experienced cannabis smoker, hated alcohol but that was the extent of my drug history, and now entering new decade (both year and age wise), I was expanding into psychedelics all in pursue of healing. Up to this point, I had tried 4 different talk therapy sessions, and given up mainly because my $500 insurance coverage ran out but also because all I did was cry my eyes out, likely physically bawling at the first sentences. While looking back I see the tears I released were therapeutic, because this had been the very first time in my life, I had someone listen to me and my traumas. Sure, I was paying her, but the fact all I could do was just cry n cry showed me how much I had built up inside and psychedelics would go further to explore the root of these tears.
My very first psychedelic experience was through 1g of psilocybin mushrooms aka magic mushrooms, and up to this point I did basic research understanding the importance safe set and setting. My apartment satisfied the importance of safe setting, however what I lacked was the safe set part, mindset aka intention aka don’t take them the week of your last fight with your mother. With the courage of 4 talk therapy sessions in, I had finally managed to stand up with placing boundaries with my mother. The boundary that set her off was me visiting and leaving without cooking or cleaning, as she says “give your younger siblings a break with chores”. Her gall aside, my mother flipped and started cussing and fussing saying the Quran tells the parents are always right. I realized I would need the bravery of million hours of talk therapy but the four sessions I had allowed me to see how comedic this all was at 30 years old. She still expects me to cook and clean not after her but for her husband (my father) AND for her adult children each time I visit them. So not exactly the safe mindset psychedelics call for and this 1g trip highlighted the anxiety that’s been building since that last fight.
The mushroom showed me (close eyed visuals), I shouldn’t be ashamed that I have anxiety (I use to hide this from folks lol), helping me feel and understand how anxiety is anxiety and the power of vulnerability plus feeling how therapeutic dogs worked. This cycle of anxiety continued until I understood I shouldn’t be ashamed. What convinced me was not only that, but the next day my mind was quiet. Silence. Best part, there was no negative inner critic, instead a compassion and empathy.
And what further convinced me of the true healing powers of mushrooms was my fight or flight wasn’t getting triggered. Constantly being subjected to a verbally angry, physically abusive mother, where her constant loud yelling resulted in my biggest triggers. Confrontations, people yelling or fighting would kick my fight or flight response so bad that even being in an environment where it wasn’t directed at me, would still trigger a response within.
As with the pandemic raging in 2020 through to 2022, I took advantage of psychedelic healing, diving deep into researching these fascinating medicines, the different type of psychedelics each with its own unique method of consumption and duration but all with unifying purpose, rewiring the traumatized brain (it truly does!) The beautiful thing about psychedelics is how unique they are, some you eat, others you might drink thick earthy concoctions, some are smoked/vaporized, a few may be snorted upstairs or boofed downstairs😀. Just as the method of consumptions are unique, so are their effects and durations, with some psychedelics being fast acting (Bufo, DMT), while others can take hour long come ups (LSD, Mushrooms), some trips are as short as 5 -20 minutes to others lasting hours from 4 – 18 hours to even over 24hrs (Ibogaine). I realized I had all these options available to me in nature, all in the name of healing the wounded inner child.
So I turned to plant medicine.
Specifically drugs from nature that does not kill nor get you addicted (hell no to heroin n cocaine but coca leaf you may stay 😏). I would go on to learn my throat chakra is closed (years of not being allowed to cry, nor feel emotions nor speak for myself) which contributed to my sensitive taste buds, which mushrooms, ayahausca, peyote all require strong taste buds to be able to drink these medicines. As I mentioned, the beautiful thing about psychedelics is how vast n varying they are, so LSD is my tasteless delight connecting me to my inner child while providing healing for 10 hours. DMT and 5-MEO-DMT (Bufo) are the shortest trip and easily consumed through inhalation providing quick total ego dissolution through dissolving my trauma connections and freeing connections of empathy and compassion.
With all these psychedelic options available and the threat of weight gain from closed gyms, I started my psychedelic healing January 2020. Though I was pushing 200lbs at that time, unable to motivate myself knowing it tied to my abusive start to life, my intentions weren’t weight loss, I consider this a positive side effect. By this, I mean not only healing my inner child, but also reconnecting with my body which I have dissociated from so long.
I would enter 2021 15 pounds lighter at 185lbs.
Only then to start 2022 with gaining those same 15lb at 198lbs.
Only to start 2023 back to my lowest weight from attempt 2, 169lbs.
This trend would continue entering 2024 lower than ever before, 138lbs and by mid 2024, I was down to my lowest weight ever, hoovering 127lbs and holding steady there to even today 2025.
When I look back, 2022 was the year I got the downloads of how much carb and sugar my diet was and LSD for the first time made me aware of my body, the fat, lack of muscles, but it was the mushrooms that showed me that its truly diet that matters for weight loss and you can’t hide from the mushrooms (or any psychedelics for that matter). I remember the mushrooms allowing me to feel what happens inside my body when I overindulge on gummy candies, or the worst feeling of overeating, all this without eating anything but the message was clear, my eating habit needed to change.
Just like that, without any effort to count calories, I instead just lost my desire for sweets. Psychedelics freed me from a lifelong sugar addiction without evening coming to terms with it myself and it revealed just how much carbs I was eating. Carbs for lunch in form of sandwich/bread, carbs for dinner in form of pasta or rice. In 2022 I changed that all and my weight loss reflected that, 30lbs lost in a year from reducing sugar and switching carbs for more healthier alternatives.
The gyms were shut down and my only form of exercise was daily yoga or walks if the weather permitted, but something remarkable was happening to account from going each year I was still losing weight.
Psychedelics did for me what many on Ozempic find with eating less, for me it wasn’t necessarily eat less, but eating right, thanks to the insights these drugs bring. Can Ozempic or any weight loss drugs do the same, in a single dose?
Present day:
Now in May 2025, last time I weighed myself was June 2024 lowest plateau of 128.8, freed from my weekly “Weigh-in Wednesdays”. My eating habits have permanently changed since that high introspection of my diet, eliminating my addiction of candies while haven’t total lost my sweet tooth but removing candy, Nutella sandwiches, processed jams (homemade for the win), and completely switching out my carb situation because home girl loves carbs. Healthier alternatives such as cassava instead of white potatoes, rice papers instead of processed wraps. Quinoa, Bulghur replaced rice. Lentil pasta proved you don’t need regular gut destroying pasta.
I have gained muscles now and officially the most toned I have ever been, loving my loose skin, an homage to the story my body tells. Group fitness, yoga, and dancing all outlets I use to stay active, as I said finding your own style of staying active and changing eating habits for a healthy weight loss journey.
As for healing, 5 years later all negative thoughts about me are gone and haven’t come back since that trip, though I do take at least 4 psychedelic trips a year. Afterall I literally got 20+ years of development traumas to unwire
If the Body keeps the Score, what do the eyes bore?
